In less than a week, it will be 9 years since you moved on. So much has happened in those nine years, but still you live within my soul. Never have I ever met someone so full of unconditional love and warmth and kindness and compassion. I’ve had people tell me that my loss of you doesn’t “count”, after all, we only knew each other for five months and we never walked down the aisle. We didn’t have the privilege of 20 or 30 or 40 years of marriage. What we had was incredible though.
You loved me.
Before I met you, I dreamed of you. It was like I was missing a piece of myself and I had to find it. When you walked through the doors of the Marina, I knew it was you that I was missing. We were one person living in two bodies. Finding you was like I had been drowning… suffocating… gasping for air… and you came along, pulled me close and you were my oxygen.
You saved me.
You were and still are the one person who took a good look at me, saw my insides… all my darkness and all my light… and you just loved me. Your love gave me strength. You love gave me hope. Your love filled every piece of me that once felt empty and alone. Your love allowed me to be completely free and with that I always was drawn right to you. I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t have a choice but to love you with every inch of my being. For you, I would have given my life. Instead, you gave me yours.
You live within me.
When others beat me with my darkness, you reminded me of my light. When I struggled to get through my storms, you were my shelter. When I felt broken and deficient, you made me feel exceptional.
You saw me.
As much as I was broken when you died, I would go through all the pain and heartache to feel as completely alive and whole as I did when I had you. If I never find love like that again, I will be forever grateful to have held you in my arms for that flicker of time that is now so distant. I will never forget the life you breathed into me and how free you allowed me to be. It’s the most loved I have ever felt. Thank you for that. Thank you for letting me be exactly who I am. Thank you for loving me as much as you did, the way you did.
You freed me.
I will forever love you RJ Rady. <3
She gave you all she had
You threw it all away
She wanted to be there for you
You made her a punching bag instead
She showed you love and kindness
You showed her how to walk away
She wanted you heart
She wanted your time
You showed her to be selfish
You showed her to be gone
I believe some people hurt you on purpose because they can. They see that you love them so much and maybe they want to test you to see how many times they can hurt you before you break down, give up, walk away. The thing is, you can love someone with all your heart. You can forgive them 5,000 times. You can bend over backwards for them and they will keep on hurting you. At some point, even the most loving and forgiving people have to walk away, not because they want to, but because if they stay, they will be so broken that they will become cynical and hurtful and fearful and guarded and that is just no way to live.
Sometimes you just have to let yourself go….
He wondered how she’d take it when he said goodbye.
Thought she might do some cryin’… lose some sleep at night.
But he had no idea, when he hit the road,
That without him in her life, she’d let herself go.
Let herself go on a singles cruise,
To Vegas once, then to Honolulu.
Let herself go to New York City…
A week at the Spa; came back knocked-out pretty.
When he said he didn’t love her no more,
She let herself go.
Source: Love To Know
Eight years ago today, I was in Loxahatchee, Florida. I was staying at my friend Jeannette’s “spare” house. She bought it to renovate and flip. My father, brother, cousin, and a family friend came over and were barbecuing the day before. They spent the night and Jeannette and I went Spanish dancing. You were in North Carolina. As usual, we spoke many times that day. Right before we went out, you called to ask if I would mind if you went to a party. I said, no, I don’t mind. I told you to be careful and that I loved you. I wished so many times I would have told you, “No, don’t go to that party”.
The next morning, my phone rang. It was your dad. Immediately, my heart sank. As I answered the phone, I ran outside to try and get better reception. I already “knew” what he was going to say. In my mind, I begged and pleaded to God, “please let him be in the hospital. Please let him be in jail”. I could live with that. Instead, I fell to my knees as your dad told me that you had passed away. My heart broke into so many pieces that I never imagined it would ever be whole again. My happy, fun, carefree spirit instantly left my body. I was a shell.
When you walked into my life, it was like breathing for the first time. As if all my life I was gasping for air and you were my oxygen. You showed me unconditional love and kindness. Your heart was so pure. You were so full of life. You were the other half of my soul. There are so many things that I am grateful to you for. You stood by my side no matter what was thrown at us. You held me and kept me safe in any and every way you could. You taught me so much about life and love. I loved you wholeheartedly. I will always love you.
Over the years, days have come and gone. I remember November 1st, the day we met. November 3rd, the day you asked me to be exclusive. November 16th, your birthday. December 16th, the day you proposed. Many days in between here and there… and April 1st, the day you died. We didn’t get to spend our lives together, but I did get to spend the rest of your life with you. We didn’t have years of marriage and memories, but we had a beautifully tragic love story. Regardless of how many times people would tell me that I would “get over” you and find someone new, there was nothing to get over. What we had was real and it was beautiful. I will always remember the moment I laid eyes on you when you walked through the doors of the Marina Cafe. I will always remember the first time that you told me that you loved me. I will always remember when you walked me to the beach and got down on one knee to ask me to spend our lives together. I will always remember you and your beautiful sunflower eyes, green with gold specs, that glimmered every time I looked into them.
This year, I have been more anxious than I have been for a while, as this dreaded April Fool’s Day approaches. You see, I am in love with someone new. He is completely different. Where you were the male version of me, he is my counterpart. He challenges me. He keeps me grounded at times when I could just drift away, being the free spirit that I am. He is the one and only person that I have been able to see a future with since you. I don’t know how things will turn out, but I know this… Right now, in this moment, he shows me love and he makes me happy. So why have I been anxious? Because I don’t know how to honor you while honoring him. It’s something you rarely hear anyone talk about, if ever. There is no manual or rule book for that. There are many books written about dealing with loss and grief and all of that, but there is nothing, that I know of, that tells you how to deal with loving someone new after you’ve lost the love of your life.
After you died, I watched a ton of movies. Many about death and loss and heartbreak. There was one movie I saw that had a quote I will always remember. The movie was Things We Lost In the Fire, with Halle Berry. The quote was, “I have a new life, so I have a new love of my life”. Back then it didn’t make much sense to me. I mean, you’re supposed to have one love of your life, right? That’s why it’s so special. It makes sense to me now. My life, while you were in it, is a lifetime ago. I have grown and changed and I have a brand new life. If you were alive, then you would be in it, but you’re not. If you were, I wouldn’t have him and I really do love him so much. I can’t imagine my life without him. I feel fortunate and torn. I don’t know how things will evolve with him, but I am hopeful. I don’t think God put him in my life by accident. He is a really good man. He drives me crazy sometimes… a lot, but he makes me smile. I feel safe in his arms. He brings out the best.. and sometimes the worst… of me, in the best ways. If that makes any kind of sense.
RJ, I want to thank you so incredibly much for loving me and for allowing me to love you till death do us part. You were such a blessing in my life. I know you kept me protected over the years. I want you to know that I am in good hands again. I am strong and I can and I have made it through so much, but I can walk on my own now. If I should fall, I will fall into his strong and loving arms. I am safe. I am protected. I trust him. You can rest in peace my darling. I will always love you.
“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free”
Thich Nhat Hanh
Love in such a way that she feels free to be who she is
Love in such a way that she feels safe
Love in such a way that when she tells you all her secrets, she knows they will be protected, not used against her
Love in such a way that her past will not impede her future
Love in such a way that she can stumble and fall into your arms
Love in such a way that when the world is crumbling around her, you are her protection
Love in such a way that to her, you are home
Love in such a way that she sees herself in your eyes
Love in such a way that you are who she dreams of
Love in such a way that her dreams come true
Love in such a way that she always knows that she is yours
You came into my life like a tropical storm
The notion of you would soon have me transformed
Your strong winds swayed me
Swept away I would be
In the beginning, I was just dancing in your rain
Pretty soon, I was drowning in my pain
I love you I hate you
I want you Go away
Take me with you Just stay just stay
Remember the good times Can’t forget the bad
You make me so happy You make me so sad
Over time you grew and you grew
Now I’m lost in Hurricane You
I remember when you kissed me in a parking lot so long ago
You awoke the girl inside me who was filled with love and hope
Though our little romance rose and fell like the tide
I confided all my secrets and brought my darkness to light
Our passion was averted by our wrath
And now, all that we have left is… the aftermath
When I saw you
In the depths of all your darkness
You made me believe in love again
I felt myself in you
And reminisce of days long gone
When I was where you are
Days I’d never go back to
But I’d go back there for you
To hold your hand
And walk through that with you
I dreamed of dreams
They seem so far away
You made me believe in life again
I knew that I could make it through
With or without you
My foundation is solid
My will is strong
But to you I wanted to hold on
And even though we parted ways
I’ll dream of you for all my days
You touched my heart
You breathed my soul
I have you pumping through my veins
Before you I was fine
Now I’m torn, not quite divine
You’re gone, you’re gone
I cannot bring you back
My heart is broken
My heart is whole
My love for you
Has no control
Although I lost one great love
To have the chance to love you
Was a gift from above